1. Every time you go to the hairdresser, they will shear your hair without asking, and if they ask, they look at you like you’re crazy for not wanting to shear it. Thanks for telling me my hair isn’t nice on its own. Also, no, I don’t want it thinned, because it took me 17 YEARS to figure out how to handle this shit! Don’t change it on me now!
2. It took me 17 years how to handle it. Yes, when I was 17, I had spent MY ENTIRE LIFE trying to figure it out.
3. Don’t even think about brushing it when it’s dry.
4. Everyone tells you, “Omigod, but you can do so much with your hair!” Oh yeah? Then why is it that every costume designer and hairstylist has no idea what to do with “all that hair”?!
5. Say goodbye to high ponytails, unless you want to take Advil all the time for your headaches.
6. “Messy” buns? Try buns that never actually stay up.
7. You want to go dancing tonight? Better watch out, your neck is going to be as wet as a drowned rat if you keep your hair down. It’s a fucking oven around there. Were you having a good hair day? Forget that!
8. Oh, it’s raining? Good luck hiding your hair in your hood!
9. You want short hair? Ha! Unless you want to permanently straighten your hair or spend hours every day styling it, good luck tackling that ball of puff.
10. Frizz. There is a permanent layer of frizz underneath the lovely top layer of perfection that you try so hard to maintain. Half updo? Dream on, honey.
Most of the time, I’m actually fine with my hair. If you can believe it. I’m kind of used to it now. (I mean, I did spend the majority of my life figuring out how to deal with it.)
What do I even do with it, you ask? I leave it down, that’s what I do. Reverse French braid if I’m feeling it, with 829080 bobby pins. When I don’t care about how shitty it looks, ponytail it is, or shitty two-elastic bun until it hurts my head too much. You can often see me putting my hair into a ponytail when I’m too hot, then letting it back down because it hurts or because I’m too cold. (It’s a daily cycle.) And when I want to actually try, I go for the half updo with a giant claw clip until my bottom layer of frizz gets too frizzed out, at which point the clip gets tossed away and my hair is just down again.
Still want lots of thick, wavy hair?
Try my hair for a day! I dare you.