So here it is.
I don’t feel like I have a gender community.
Besides maybe fellow feminists.
I fit in with the binary norm. I identify as female.
There really isn’t a gender community for cis-gendered people that I know of.
I’ve mentioned before that I don’t really like to call myself bisexual, even though I know I’m not straight.
I may be a minority within our heteronormative society, but I don’t feel like I’m part of the bi community, or even the LGBTQ+ community as a whole.
I just don’t have that sense of belonging in the LGBTQ+ community, because I still feel like an outsider within it.
About two years ago, G and I were at a gay bar just goofing off and having a great time, and I took a break to go to the washroom. They washrooms were for all genders, and the environment was really safe and welcoming.
In line, someone next to me asked me if I’m straight. I told her, “I like boys and girls,” and she looked surprised. “Really? You give off a very straight vibe.”
I didn’t really know how to react to that, so I just said yes really, and told her that it’s interesting that I seem straight. She then told me she was bi, too.
But I mean… what the hell does a straight person seem like anyway?
And what does a “gay” or “bi” person seem like?
How am I supposed to show that I’m not just into men?!
What am I doing wrong?!?!
Admittedly, at that time, I was only just starting to acknowledge that part of my identity. Maybe she just sensed that. I don’t know.
But either way, it doesn’t really matter.
She just alienated me in a place where I had felt I could be myself, when I was just making my way into this new world.
And since then, I haven’t really figured out a way to fit in.
In fact, since then, I’ve found that people don’t always take me seriously when I say that I’m not just into men, because that is the assumption made when people see me with G, who is male. The people who do take me seriously are often bi themselves.
I didn’t even think my gay friends really believed me when I tried to tell them about it. It felt a bit like, “Oh, honey, you just want to be gay, don’t you?”
I just never found a group of friends who weren’t straight and made me feel a part of their group, and so now I don’t really feel part of the much bigger LGBTQ+ group, I guess.
I should add: now, I don’t even think I only like men and women.
I have been attracted to transgender people, and androgynous people. Maybe the label that best fits me is pansexual — I’m basically just attracted to people. But even pansexual feels weird to me, because again, there is that community that I don’t feel a part of.
Pansexual and bisexuals are not really respected as lesbian and gay people are — they are not really considered real sexualities.
And that is the problem: sexuality is NOT a simple concept. Like gender, sexuality is a spectrum. Labels don’t always work for everyone.
Labels don’t always work for everyone.
So to put it simply: no, I don’t feel I belong to the LGBTQIA+ community.
Nor do I really participate in it.
Do I wish I did?
I wish I had friends who are queer who really truly understand me and could talk with me about this stuff… my friends know I’m queer, but we don’t talk about it, really. I never even formally “came out” to them — they just kind of figured it out themselves.
And dating G, I’ve never really had to.
So from the outside… I guess I do seem straight.
What do you think of gender and queer communities? If you’re queer, do you feel you are part of the LGBTQ+ community?
You may also like:
- Why Aren’t Schools Teaching Kids About Non-Binary Genders?
- Why I Struggle To Call Myself “Queer” or “Bi”