Hello again! I hope you had a nice week. By this time next week, I’ll be on my way home! As much as I’m looking forward to it, my posts next week might get a little sadder, just because of the nature of being home for me. I’m going to try to keep writing even though Christmas will be happening… especially since I’ll likely be home a lot anyway. I’ll probably have a lot to say.
Anyway! How’s your tea?
If we were having tea, I’d tell you that this past weekend has been just lovely. I did absolutely nothing. I read lots on the internet and spent time with Matrix. He’s twice the size he was when we got him, I can’t believe it! How was your weekend?
If we were having tea, I’d tell you that after reading lots about blogging, I have decided that I’m going to make the switch from free WordPress.com to WordPress.org and attempt to become a serious blogger — I’m even going to try to make some sort of income from it. I think I can really do it if I try — and I’ll be happy to make any sort of extra income, honestly, even if it’s not a lot! I suppose you’ll likely see several changes happen to the site as I make the switch, so please let em know what you think! It’s kind of exciting to venture into something I don’t know that much about. We’ll see what happens together!
If we were having tea, I’d tell you I’m going to donate blood for the fourth time today! I haven’t been very consistent about the past while but was pretty regular with it last year. In fact, I once made the mistake of not taking it easy after and ran into a public place looking like I’d just murdered someone. It was pretty hilarious.
I’d been in my last directing course, which meant a lot of rehearsal time and it was pretty stressful. On this day, it was actually our final performances, so the whole day had been pretty rushed. I had just done my donation and had to book it to get to class in time. While running in the cold, snowy street, I noticed a very warm sensation in my right arm, the arm where they’d taken my blood. I was pretty sure I knew what was happening, since I didn’t feel it in my other arm, so I just pressed the spot really hard with my left hand and kept running. The feeling didn’t go away — in fact, it got worse. But I couldn’t be late! When I arrived, everyone was gathered around the prof in a meeting, discussing what had to be done before our audience started to arrive.I quietly removed my outerwear, and carefully took off my sweater… and found I’d bled through it, right into the sleeve of my winter coat. I casually joined the group and then immediately after ran to the washroom with my sweater, to wipe all the blood off my arm and rinse my clothes. (Luckily, the sweater was dark, so it didn’t stain too badly.)
Like I say, I looked like a murderer.
It was pretty epic.
If we were having tea, I’d tell you I took last Friday off because that overwhelming feeling I mentioned last week hadn’t gone away. I’m glad I took the day off — I didn’t actually get a lot done, but I had a pretty good day. I needed it. I really tried not to take any days off up to that point, since my pay cut-off was Tuesday and I have the weird pay periods this month, but Friday was after, thank goodness. I guess I’d been working with momentum until Tuesday and then I burned out. I’m feeling a lot better now, though!
If we were having tea, I’d tell you I had a bit of a breakdown on Friday. G has been pretty stressed this past week with school, and I guess it’s strained our relationship a little. It’s nothing too bad, it just kind of sucks. On Friday, we got into an argument while we were on a walk, and I was so angry and hurt that I just left and went back home by myself. When he got in, I was less angry and more hurt. I ended up breaking down, and it wasn’t even really about our argument anymore. I had gotten over that, and the issue underneath had risen out of me — the same issue that is always there, which I manage to get away from but never truly resolve: I just miss my family, before things got all weird.
If we were having tea, I’d ask if you have any ideas about what I can do to stop these breakdowns from always happening. I mean, I’m doing much better now than I’d been doing at any point before now, but I still want to get better. I’ve tried counselling, and honestly, it helped a bit but at the end when the psychologist basically told me I have nothing to worry about with my family, I realized that no one really understands. So I’ve started writing, like this.
I just don’t want to be so inflexible around this time year anymore. I know G has a family that he loves and I know he gets along with them better than I do with mine. Of course he misses them and wants to spend time with them. I fully understand that. It’s just hard that this is the time of year when I need him most… and he has to choose between me and his family, at one point or another, for some thing or another.
It’s hard knowing he won’t choose me.
And I want to stop feeling this way. I hate feeling even kind of needy, even if it’s justifiable. I don’t care if it is. I want to find a way to be happy in December — really happy — even if I am alone, without the support he always provides me. I just have no idea how to get there.
If we were having tea… I’d ask you for a hug.
And then I’d cheer you up with some pictures of my growing kitten!