Man, the first few weeks of 2016 have been weird for me.
I don’t even know why.
If we were having tea, I would tell you that G and I started using our yoga Groupons two weeks ago, and it’s been both awesome and disheartening. I knew that I was out of shape, but I’m sad at how out of shape I am! We went to a moderate practice the first day and had our asses handed to us. So we went to “gentle” practices twice after, and found those too easy, though they were really wonderful for us mentally. We went to a moderate one last Wednesday, and I liked it a lot — I liked the instructor and felt like I was challenged physically, but mentally and emotionally it was weird. G didn’t like it all.
If we were having tea, I’d tell you I’ve also found that I’ve been all over the place emotionally since we started yoga. Not sure if that’s related… honestly, I think it’s mostly because I haven’t had the time I need to recharge. I’ve had stuff going on every weekend since I got back from the holidays, and though it’s not like the days were 100% packed, I think I really need a couple weekends in a row to just do nothing, or only do what I actually want to do. I’ve been so busy during the week and on weekends trying to do everything people asked of me, never saying no to invites and never just scheduling in some me time. It’s just been kind of silly. So next weekend, I’m doing NOTHING. G’s friend invited us over for dinner a couple weeks ago and that’s been postponed to Friday, but after that I refuse to do anything! I think I really need a couple days to just read and watch Arrow and do blog stuff, maybe go for a walk and see a movie with G. It’s only Monday… but I cannot wait!
If we were having tea, I’d tell you that I forgot to mention a few weeks ago that the vet said Matrix knew his name! It was hard for us to tell, but within the last two weeks it’s been clear: if you say his name, he looks right at you! What a smartie pants.
He also did a brilliant cat thing last week: when I went to scratch his chin, he put his paw out on top of my hand and pushed it right down and away onto the table top. “NO,” I could hear from his kitty brain. Hilarious!
If we were having tea, I’d tell you that blogging has been good. I’ve managed to stay about a week ahead for a little while… well, for last week and this week. I’m definitely going to begin my blogging series at the end of January so you can keep an eye for that if you’re interested! I’m also thinking of doing more about raising a kitten, less about Matrix and more how we went about it and what we’ve been doing so far so that you lovelies will know exactly how to get all ready for a new kitty! But don’t worry — I’ll keep up with Teas & Kitties still, so you’ll get to see Matrix grow some more 🙂
If we were having tea, I’d tell you that I’m back to feeling weird about my life. I dreaded waking up every day last week, even the two days where I worked at junior high schools, not elementary schools. I had a bit of a meltdown Tuesday night, and struggled to fall asleep all week. Suddenly, I just feel so lost. Did I choose the wrong profession? I like being in the classroom most of the time, but I just think I have lost my passion somehow. But what else can I do? I don’t have experience in much else — serving won’t pay as well, and neither will being in the theatre industry here. Those are things that could give me supplementary income, but I have to do this job. And I still have the drive to do something and make a difference, but teaching seems so… shitty! All the teachers I come across, except the ones my age, are so negative and bitter. (Clearly, they’re not getting enough me time!) I just don’t want to be like that. It seems so inevitable though — teachers can’t be picky when choosing jobs. They need to take what comes, so a lot of the time they will take a job they don’t even want in order to gain experience. And then they somehow get trapped there, hating their lives and whining about whiny children.
I know I’m not ready. I’m starting to admit it out loud. When other teachers ask me in staff rooms, “Are you looking for a full-time job, or…?” I tell them the truth: not really. I tell them I did work full time from May to July, right after I graduated, and right now I’m happy being a sub. It’s nice to have the break. I tell them I want to travel and do as much as I can before I ever “settle down.” I haven’t said that I’m not even sure I want to teach anymore, but… saying that I don’t want to work full-time yet to colleagues is slowly making me feel better.
I’ve been so terrified — to the point where I break down in tears. I’ve been scared that saying I don’t want full-time to other teachers would be bad for my future. Principals might hear I don’t want a job, and then what will happen when I do need one? I’m so trapped! Why can’t it be acceptable to just be a sub, and not want to advance yet?!
But then I remembered that when the principal offered me that grade two job in May, I did admit to her that I didn’t feel ready and that I was worried. I was honest. And she was really supportive. She encouraged me, and when I explained my worry, she had the other grade two teachers come in and tell me how they would help me out and support me, too. And after that, the principal said to me that she wanted me to be honest because if I didn’t feel up to it, she wouldn’t want a teacher in the classroom who wasn’t ready. It was okay not to be ready.
I guess it’s just time for me to be okay with not knowing what in the hell I want. Because apparently, I’m not.
If we were having tea, I’d ask you how the beginning of your 2016 has gone. Have you been having rude awakenings about your career that make you feel like a deer in headlights?