It was recently suggested to me to write a series about what it’s like to be a woman, specifically what women are thinking when you approach them in a bar or club, so that men can see what it’s like and perhaps understand feminism a little more.
But I figured I’d run with it.
One of the first things I did when I started this post was to ask my female friends for their input. Maddie from M.H.P. put it simply:
I don’t go to a club to meet men, ever. Even when I was single. Every once in a while you meet some genuine men and it’s lovely. But generally the men that are there are creepy and aggressive. I’m there to hang out and dance with my girlfriends. I don’t want attention, I don’t want free drinks, I just want to enjoy myself with my friends.
Most of the time, ladies go out to the club to dance with their friends.
Sure, we like dancing with other people too, and sure, sometimes ladies do go out to meet guys.
But a lot of the time, we don’t.
And for some reason, guys in the club never seem to think that this is a possibility, never mind most likely.
So, for those of you wondering, here are 8 things women are thinking when you approach them in the club.
I hope you learn something new today!
[Author’s Note: Yes, I do get a little angry in this article. I promise I’m not angry at you. I’m angry at the way things are, and the way that I have been treated by guys in clubs before. If you’re a guy, I want you to know what it’s like to be a woman in the club, and anger is unfortunately part of it. Bear with me. You may even be entertained!]
1. “How do I get out of here?”
The first thing I think when a guy approaches me is how to get away if I’m not into it. And you can bet this is what most women are thinking when you approach them.
Especially those who aren’t even straight.
If you approach a woman and block her way out, including blocking her friends out, it does NOT matter if you think you’re being cute about it.
Every single woman has felt fear from being trapped by a man before because we’ve been groped or harassed or worse — or we know someone who has been. She’s very aware of you blocking her way, and isn’t paying attention to anything you’re saying.
So don’t do it.
2. “Please don’t talk to me, please don’t talk to me, please don’t talk me…”
Half the time I’m in a club, I’m trying to make sure I don’t look someone in the eyes for too long because apparently that means “Come grope me.” This is especially when I’m out with my friends.
I’m there to dance, not to be violated.
Even if I were out to meet to guys, that does not mean I like unwanted touching and creeping. I would try to find someone to dance with who isn’t staring grossly and aggressively.
So if I’m avoiding your eyes, there’s a reason.
And you can be sure that’s the case with any lady in the club.
3. “Is that smile genuine?”
You may not realize it, but your eyes and your smile reveal EVERYTHING.
If it’s genuine, we can tell. If it’s not, we can also tell, because we recognize it from every single time someone has harassed us.
Even if a woman is looking for a one-night stand, she’s not going pick the asshole who creeped her out. She’s looking for someone genuine because then she can (most likely) trust him.
4. “Stop grabbing me.”
There is no way to know for sure if you are dangerous, but we take your hints.
If you grab my butt or pull my arm aggressively to get me to come with you, there is no way I am giving you the time of day.
It tells me that you don’t respect me because you are taking away my freedom to decide who I let touch me, and it tells me that I am just a piece of meat to you, not a human being.
No, it’s not a freaking compliment.
How would you like it if you were having a great time with your friends and someone yanked you — yes, yanked you — away?
What’s that? It’s rude?
You don’t say!
And don’t try again if didn’t work the first time! You lost your chance, because you should have just asked the first time. Now she doesn’t trust you, and for good reason.
Honestly, this has happened so many times that I don’t even remember any individual times. They all kind of blend together, part of being a woman in the club.
Can you blame us for telling you the fuck off after grabbing us? Really?
Treat us like the human freaking beings that we are, and then we won’t.
5. “UGH, did you really think that line would work?”
If the first thing you do is try to pull off a pickup line or say something cheeky, I am wary. As a first impression, it tells me you’re interested in having sex with me and you’re confident you can get it, which scares me because I don’t freaking know you.
If it’s genuine, it’s no longer a pickup line — it’s a compliment, or something along those lines.
If you are genuine, I might actually be interested in who you are, because man have I been sick of all the idiots trying to pull me away from my friends!
And again, trust me: women can tell if you’re genuine. We have been treated like shit time and time again. Trust me. We know what a dickhead looks like. We’ve seen it too often. Just be you!
6. “Why the fuck are you grinding on me when I can’t even see you?!”
The number of times I’ve had a friend who I’m standing across from pull me away because some asshole decided to try and grind up on me, from behind, is too freaking high.
Dude, stop. You are not getting attention from her. You are violating her.
Ask her. And if she says no, do not just do it anyway. Respect her freaking answer.
7. “How likely is this guy to be angry if I don’t want to sleep with him?”
This may come as a surprise for you, but this is definitely what a lot of women are thinking when you approach them. It might not be as clear of a question as this puts it, but it’s up there.
Whether you’ve asked me to dance or bought me a drink, I am assessing the entire time, from the moment you ask, how you will react if I’m not interested. This helps me decide if I should say yes or not, and how to say yes or no.
Again, this is because we’ve all had someone react angrily or aggressively or we know someone who has.
If she says yes, don’t automatically hold her hand and pull her to the bar or the dance floor. This happened to me last time I agreed to have a drink with someone who seemed genuinely friendly, and it immediately made me question my decision. Why? Because it felt controlling.
If she wants to hold your hand, she’ll let you know.
8. “Is he going to spike my drink?”
Straight up, whenever a guy wants to buy me a drink or I have a drink in my hand and I’m dancing with someone, I’m assessing how trustworthy the guy is. If we’re actually at the bar, I’m watching that drink every single second and not taking my eyes off it.
This is what all women are thinking when you approach them for a drink. Every. Single. One.
Yes, I’ve had my drink roofied before.
But I didn’t drink it. My friend did.
He woke up on the street on the way home to a cab driver trying to wake him up.
This is very real.
All right guys, I hope that this one has been an eye-opener for you.
There you have it: 8 things women are thinking when you approach them.
This is the reality of being a woman in the club, whether you think it is stupid or not.
It’s real. (And there is more, but I didn’t want to go on too long of a rant.)
If you’ve now realized that you might need to change how you act in the club, I’m really happy to help you out — no sarcasm intended! I’m really truly happy that this might have opened your eyes.
If there’s anything you should have learned after reading this, it’s that women are constantly concerned about their safety.
That’s just the way it is in our society, right now.
Grabbing our butts and boobs, grinding on us when we can’t even see you, pulling us away from our friends — those are all red flags that tell us you are dangerous.
Being genuine is the BEST thing you can do, both for yourself, and for anyone else you’re interested in.
This applies whether they are men or women. Because I’m telling you, from real experience: people know when you’re being genuine, and if you’re not, no one will pay any attention to you.
So my number one tip? Ask. If you ask first, and you’re genuine, we’ll feel less like you’re attacking and more like it’s safe to say yes.
And yes is what you want to hear, isn’t it?
Did any of these things surprise you? Ladies, what did I leave out?
If you found this post eye-opening, you may enjoy the next post in this series, How Feminism Helps Men, Too!