One thing I didn’t mention in this week’s Teas & Kitties post is that Grady and I hadn’t had sex since before Christmas. He wanted to a few times, and I just didn’t.
But on Friday, we did. And it was finally really nice!
I won’t get into weird details, but basically… I felt like I was finally being more me.
I’m not all the way there yet, but I’m almost there, and it was a really important moment for me when I realized that. I did cry, but it wasn’t from being scared this time. It was after the fact, and it was because of all the overwhelming emotions I experienced, the main one being happiness.
I am so happy that I am getting there. I’m finally making some progress! I don’t know how long it will take — sex has changed for me, and I’ve been telling myself that I didn’t know if I would ever be myself with it again, but now I know that I will.
It will just take time.
After that realization, I started thinking about why I have been so afraid.
Unfortunately, it’s not that I’m no longer afraid — it’s better, but there are still moments that I get scared. When Grady tries to tackle me onto the bed, purely innocent, just wanting to goof off, I get scared. When he wants to get intimate and intense with how he kisses me, I get scared then too.
And then it hit me.
It’s because sex is vulnerable.
For a lot of people, it isn’t.
I know lots of people who can just have sex to deal with their physical need for it, and it’s not anything scary. I hear it’s not always the greatest sex, but it’s not scary. I used to think I could do it myself — I’ve never had a one night stand, but I always wanted to, even though everyone tells me it is nothing special.
I wasn’t scared. I knew I was good at it, and I wanted to try it for fun.
But now, after realizing my sexual assault was, in fact, sexual assault, sex has become scary.
I act silly a lot of the time to avoid the intensity of things. Grady will be in the moment, attempting to initiate, and I’ll shut down because I’m afraid to show myself. Sometimes I even giggle, and that’s his cue that I’m not into it. I hide.
I didn’t even realize I was being vulnerable before.
It used to come so naturally to me.
But that’s the interesting thing about sex: it is vulnerable. People are so different in bed than they are in real life. It’s intimate, even if you don’t feel that connected to whoever it is you’re doing it with. You’re showing them a side of yourself that not everyone sees. It’s not just about being physically naked — it’s trusting that person for a short time with something only you can give: yourself.
So maybe sex is scary because I’m not comfortable with myself during sex anymore.
I don’t even know why, but I think that is the truth. It’s not about Grady at all. I feel like I am so weird during sex, and I don’t want to show him that part of me because I myself don’t like it.
I’ve become insecure.
And being insecure, sex is even more vulnerable.
If you’re insecure about yourself during sex, and you still have sex, you are giving someone, whether you know them or not, something you aren’t even confident in. And that is definitely scary.
But you have to give yourself in sex.
Because in order to enjoy it the most, you have to be comfortable. You must be honest; you need to be able to actually verbally communicate what you like and don’t. Faking anything just sucks! I can understand it, and I don’t judge you if you do it, but it’s not helping you to fake. The person who you are with doesn’t know what you want. You’re not going to have good sex if you can’t communicate.
That kind of honesty is very vulnerable. I don’t even think I’ve been that vulnerable with my closest friends.
So there it is — now I just have to figure out how to be comfortably vulnerable again.
Have you ever struggled with vulnerability in sex?